Trauma

 

Very often, I find myself lying under the sun as its rays caress my face in hopes that the warmth will seep into my bones and light me up on the inside because how must it feel to not always be grey.  That is what trauma does to you, it becomes a resident inside you and grows like a parasite. No matter how much time has passed, it sits quietly in some corner of your brain but when you least expect it, it taps its foot against your skull only to remind you it hasn’t left you. Every time you start feeling whole just like that, you’re cracked open. There’s only so many times you can scream or cry it out if you’re smart you learn to align yourself with the tapping. You learn to dance with its rhythm, it’s a warzone and no one’s giving up. Trauma makes you uncomfortable in your skin, it makes you want to pick one corner of your skin and star plucking from there all over because you feel exposed, you feel targeted, you feel nauseatingly suffocated in your skin, it no longer feels like a feeling instead it is now the color of your skin. It leads to a life lived in survival mode. Trauma isn’t big or small, valid or invalid, important or unimportant if you are living it, it is real. The world often believes it has the right to validate whether your suffering is real or not but if there’s anything I’ve learned is that you owe the world absolutely nothing. If you have suffered even in the slightest way, you deserve to heal not for the world but for yourself because you are more than what happened, who left, what didn’t work out, what broke you. Something I’m trying to learn, to unlearn the constant battle with trauma to not carry it around like armor using it as a shield against happiness, contention, and peace. I try to remember I am not alone in my suffering and it’s not people's hardships that relate me to them rather it is how they are willing to understand it, as if though they carry it in their body as if their own hurt wasn’t heavy enough and for that I am so very thankful. 


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